Back to the Beginning!

Since I am already 16 weeks along, I kind of have a lot to update you about, so bear with me and my lengthy post as I do my best to fill you in.  I promise this will be the longest one I post : )

Dan and I got married on September 9th, 2009, and throughout my life I have always known 2 things. I wanted to be a wife and a Mom, and I couldn’t wait to be either. I joked during my wedding planning and chalk up the short engagement period of not even 7 months to the fact that I had been with Dan for going on 5 years, and that I was “Born to be a Bride” We had a wedding that was perfect in my eyes, and the only thing I wish I would have done differently was to have more “formal” pictures of Dan and I.  We had a beautiful venue, great weather, and we were surrounded by all of our family and friends. It was truly my dream come true, and I couldn’t be happier with it!

After being married for about 4 months (Not wasting any time I know) we decided that were ready, if it was in the cards, to become parents. I’d be lying if I told you I knew it would happen as quickly as it did, so it was definitely a surprise when we found out on March 6th of 2009 that we were in fact pregnant. It just so happened that my parents were in town for the weekend when we found out so we got to share our surprise with them. And what a surprise it was! I’ll never forget the giant grin on my Dad’s face or the “Wow” and the shocked (and a little bit nervous look) we got from my Mom.  I couldn’t wait to share the news with everyone but I was trying to be smart about it, in case something were to happen. 

About 3 weeks later, we had our first ultrasound and saw and heard our baby and it’s little heart beat.  It was the most amazing thing I’d ever experienced, and I was just full of so many different emotions I hardly knew what to do with them all. We were going to be parents, and we got the 95% chance from the Dr. that everything would be ok, and that if we chose to, we could tell people. So we did, on facebook and everything!  If I’d only known then what I know now, I would have waited.  But hind sight is always 20/20 right?

My pregnancy seemed to be progressing fine; I had very little symptoms, no nausea or morning sickness, just hungry, tired, and using the bathroom more frequently, but this was my first pregnancy so I didn’t really know what to expect.  I had read the books, and talked to some friends who were sick and some who weren’t at all so I was thinking I was just going to be one of the lucky ones who sailed through my pregnancy with no morning sickness.  Yahoo!!!  I went on leading my normal life, and doing the things I usually do, minus the drinking and eating deli meat, and sushi, and even ran a 5K with Dan in early April.  I thought everything was just fine with the baby and I was getting more and more excited by the day to see our little baby again! 

My second appointment was scheduled for April 26th, and I couldn’t wait, but started to get a little nervous at the same time.  I knew Dan wasn’t going to be able to make this one with me because of his travel schedule, but I told him it was fine and he left that morning to do his thing.  I opted to do a few additional tests on the baby to check for any abnormalities, and this particular appointment was to check for the chances that the baby may have down syndrome.  It was a simple ultrasound with just a measurement of the fluid at the back of the neck, so not invasive at all, and it would give me a chance to see the baby again! I went in at about 11 and a half weeks for the ultrasound and the picture showed a baby that looked a little bigger than before, but there was no heartbeat.  The ultrasound tech asked me how far I should be (11.5 weeks), and then told me I was only measuring about 9.5 weeks and that she couldn’t pick up a heartbeat, and that she was sorry but I had lost the baby.  I was shocked at first then quickly devastated, and full of questions.  Did I do something?  Was it the cleaning products I used?  Was it the 5K I ran? Was it one of my students jumping on my lap at school? How could I not have know??  It was one of the worst feelings in my life.  How could I go from being fine and more excited than I had ever been to completely heartbroken, and more upset than I’d ever been???  It was awful, and I was alone.  Dan had left that morning and wasn’t due back for a few days.  I called him and couldn’t reach him, texted him and had no response because he was in a meeting, and all I wanted was for him to be there and tell me everything was going to be ok.  Thank Goodness when I called my Mom I was able to get a hold of her.  But she felt awful because there was nothing she could do.  I heard from Dan shortly after while waiting for the Dr. and he assured me he would be on the first flight home. I finally got to talk to the Dr and she cleared up several questions I had and assured me that it was usually nothing you did or didn’t do, it was a chromosomal abnormality and the fetus knew it wouldn’t be able to survive the pregnancy and end up healthy so it was my bodies way of taking care of things.  She also informed me that it was much more common than anyone knows; as little as 1 in 4 first pregnancies end in miscarriage, and she was sure I would be pregnant again in a few months.  I had a hard time believing that, but I took what she said and hoped for the best.

I had what is called a “missed miscarriage” which basically means I miscarried but my body hadn’t given me the signs of it yet.  I had no cramping (that I could remember) and no bleeding, so rather than waiting for my body to do it’s thing, I opted to have a D&E, (I had a wedding to be in that weekend)  D&E stands for Dilation and Evacuation.  It is an outpatient surgery where the Dr physically goes in and clears out your uterus so your body can heal and regulate itself more quickly.  The surgery was scheduled for 2 days later and that was that.  The actual physical part of it wasn’t bad, but the psychological part of it took a toll on me.
I went on to be in one of my best friends weddings in Ohio that weekend, and did my best to put on a happy face.  I did pretty well except for when family friends and acquaintences came up to me to Congratulate me on the pregnancy, and I had to say “Thanks, but I actually lost the baby”  Then I would get sad and the people who asked me would feel bad, and it was just a mess. 
On another note, the Wedding was beautiful and so much fun, and I’m so glad I got to be a part of it!

Immediately after I’d lost the baby, there were pregnant people and babies everywhere, (Dan always says, “What you focus on Expands,” and he was so right). It was difficult and I hate to admit it, buy my heart would hurt everytime I would see a pregnant woman or a small baby; I would be jealous, or angry and then mad at myself for feeling that way.   My emotions definitely got the best of me over the next few months and they took a toll on Dan as well.  Bless his heart, he was such a trooper, and always trying to get me to look at the positives.  Another reason why I love him so much : )

It took my body about 7 weeks to get back to normal, but the minute we got the OK from the Dr. to go ahead and start trying again, the stress of “trying to get pregnant” set in.  I never really understood how stressful it can be, but it was.  I was monitoring my body’s every move.  I tracked my basal body temperature, and took ovulation tests and  made sure we were getting down to business every time I got the little smiley face on the stick.  It was exhausting, and it took the fun out of being intimate, and made it feel like a chore sometimes but I wanted a baby so badly that I dealt with it. 

We had an extremely busy summer with weddings, and trips, and visitors, and I can honestly say that it was unforgettable, and so much fun, but I had babies on the brain the whole time.  I would start to get my hopes up and then towards the end of the month we would find out again that we were NOT pregnant.  It was very disheartening and I started to wonder if there was something wrong with me and the stress would start all over again.  I monitored and tested for the next 3 months with no luck. 

For our one year anniversary Dan and I decided to finally take a vacation for ourselves out to wine country, and we had a great time!  We tasted and bought lots of good wine, and met some pretty entertaining people.  It was the first time I felt I was able to truly enjoy myself and my husband in months.  I’ll never forget it, and we have since made it a goal to take one vacation every year from here on out with just the two of us, and I will look forward to that forever.
When we came back, we found out that our very good friends Nate and Susan were pregnant, and I felt sad again, but not as sad as I had the previous months.  I was actually more excited than sad because I was happy for them and I just had a feeling that October may be our month.  We had our last wedding of the season in early October, and again we had a great time.  We let loose and we enjoyed ourselves and wouldn’t you guess that 3 weeks after that we found out that we were again Pregnant : )

I am a strong believer that everything happens for a reason and though it took some time to finally feel like that statement was true about our miscarriage, it makes more and more sense every day.  It just wasn’t our time, we had lots to do before our lives would in fact change forever.

So…here we are, just over 10 months after all this baby stuff started, happily 16 weeks pregnant and finally feeling more excited than anxious. 2011 is going to be a great year!

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1 Comment

  1. I am so sorry you had to experience this loss. It had to have been incredibly difficult, especially being at the appointment on your own. So glad that you've since been blessed with that adorable little man!

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